The Never Ending Pursuit

    I'm looking around at the yard, trying to decide what to do next and I'm faced with the reality that it is all going crazy, I don't have enough containers, enough dirt or enough yard!  It's such a wonderful problem to have.

    I see babies coming up everywhere, stuff I want to move but I'm making myself leave it.  The canna lillies are blooming like crazy and there are small tubers underneath everywhere you look.  Ten plants turned into thirty something!  

    It's so exciting and fun for me.  All this creating has created a heaven I never knew I could live in.

    I never knew I needed this.

    I've been dead heading flowers for the seeds, all the while more seeds are pouring into my mailbox and my big plan for next summer is tons of orange marigolds.  I'm going to plant more sunflower seeds as soon as I move the banana trees that aren't doing well in that spot.  All the information says they will still grow and produce flowers.  The sun flowers get so tall and give off seed for the next season.

    I'm waiting for the rest of my winter crop seeds to come in, so I can get them in some dirt before the end of the month.  I have to take them elsewhere because there just isn't room here.  It's a burning desire deep in my soul, it frightens and excites me all at the same time.

    I learned so much this year!  I made so many mistakes!  I'm still learning and the watermelons are doing well.

    I keep painting things to distract myself and give the flowers their full season.  I want to do other things but I'm having to practice patience.  I'm pretty sure I have cucumbers and cantaloupes coming up all over again, after cleaning out those beds and turning the soil.  This also means those things have to be moved and to be honest I'm not interested in cucumbers again because I don't have the space to store them and they take over completely, choking other plants along the way.  I'm going to transplant them into pots and take them over where the farm will be this next go round.

    I have obviously created a monster.  LOL.

    When the watermelons are finished, I'm going to clear that area out and move canna lillies and banana trees there, so they will grow tall and shade the cage in the mornings.  I'm also thinking of moving the pots at the back of the cage and moving stuff there, problem is he'll hike his leg and piss on them.  I don't want him being able to see the cats that roam around behind the trailer.  He's such a nosey neighbor, I swear.

    I still have two brand new storage buildings in the box, sitting in front of his cage.  Damn it!  It is what it is.  I have to have two pieces of 8x6 plywood to make the floors.  I promised the oldest boy one if he'd help me put the other one together.  I can use it for a greenhouse over the winter, if we can get that done.

    I've never in my life been happier and I say that with a big shit eating grin plastered to my face.

    I love this choice I made so much!  

My Happy Place

 She calls to me, minute by minute, hour by hour.

Darlene, come and play in me.  Find something to do or change.

The heat laughs as I stand there sweating, completely focused on my task.

In my own little world, oblivious possibly quite deranged.

My problems slip away out there like water soaking into the ground

The dog is in his cage and me in my yard, that's where we can be found.

There nothing more beautiful that happens to me, all those flowers giving me smiles

The bees, butterflies, plants, people and world, in and out all the while

She calls to me, that lover of mine, who whispers to my soul

She tells me I can do anything and have all things I can hold.

I always pretend not to believe her, because I don't want to admit she's right.

It's her I choose, rather than the world, if I really want to have a good fight.

I've never known such happiness, this peacefulness that rests on my soul.

Chasing a dream and doing this thing, trying to reach higher goals. 

I know I am unstoppable, I don't need her to tell me that

But she's just like me and wants me to see, always the big splat

When I fall on my face and she laughs at my disgrace

I find I'm still very much in my happy place.

They Didn't Even Give Me 24 Hours

Crazy, crazy crazy.
I was out of facebook jail less than 24 hours before they gave me another thirty days.
I knew it.  I've been preparing for it.  Some guy threatened me right, a guy talking about beating up a woman, so my response was "I'm in Montgomery bring it bitch."  30 days!
So, like I said social media is over for me and I'm not even angry about it.  I wasn't given a choice in the matter and I'm a huge voice against racism.  They don't want anyone building unity right now.  They don't want anyone talking good sense about things.  They want everyone arguing and fighting and rioting, so they can sit back and laugh.
I had all sorts of racist nonsense said to me, for no reason whatsoever, just because I was on that thread.  People who don't even know me in the first place talking all sorts of shit. 
It's okay.
I can't use any of it.
I don't want it.
I don't need it.
It is what it is and they have shut my voice down.
No one is really listening to me there anyway.  Friends have faded into ghosts, beliefs have done the same thing and I just want to have fun.  12 people out of 4,686 reached out to me in 60 days.  As far as averages go, those are pretty shitty odds, but I'll take those 12 over those 4,686 times a million.
So, it's over.
Social media has broken up with me.
I don't get to say what I want to say.
I am a violation of community standards.

Good Bye It Was Nice Knowing You

This is not a ploy for attention.  It's not a post where I expect any feed back or anyone to throw in what they think.

I've been struggling with social media for a couple of years now.  

It started with a video that had Jesus in the title and it's only gotten worse.

Now it's 30 days facebook jail every 30 days.

They've crippled my ability to do business through yard sale sites.

I'm sure I've lost a lot of friends over the past couple of years, deconstructing to the point of atheism.

It's okay.  I don't mind.  I didn't ask anyone what they thought or to weigh in in the first place.

I have given it considerable thought over the last three months.

I can't use all the negativity.

I see constant fear, worry, people talking about things they don't know anything about, others chiming in to tell them they are wrong and half the time those people don't know what they are talking about either.  

I see people learn new things and others make fun of them for it.

I see people crying out for help and no one is paying attention to them, because everyone is so wrapped up in their own junk they are oblivious to the existence of anyone else.

Selfies.  What's on your mind?

Current events have folks straight losing their minds and forgetting who they really are.

For every good post there are twenty more that are negative.  For every good post there are a hundred more talking about the same damn thing.

For every person that puts out a positive vibe, there's some shit head lurking in their friends section, just waiting for the opportunity to make his or her smart ass comment, who really don't like you anyway.

I see people talking shit about people they don't even know.  Talking shit about people who haven't done a damn thing to them.

I see the passive aggressive bullshit the real cowards put out.  I see the narcissist who is pouring salt on everybody, trying to one up everybody they know, name drop, be somebody.  No one has told him you can't do those things using everyone else as stairs.

I see politics, us verses them, lines of division, religion, racism, all sorts of things going on in the world.

Not only that, you have to support those people or they start calling you out on social media.  

I see you're not free to do whatever you want, because you are supposed to consider my health and my feelings first.

If you're not this, or you're not that, you ain't shit.  It's like a real time magazine.  Magazines always make you feel like shit about your life and your house and what you look like and the clothes you wear.  They offer all this advice you didn't ask for and you start believing that nonsense.  Sound familiar?

I see people standing around making videos of other people being mistreated and no one saying a word to interfere or make it stop.  I see people standing in front of burning buildings with their phones stuck in their faces.

I see people judging me for what I don't believe, for what I do believe, for not being like them, for not believing in the same things they believe.

I see people judging one another for absolutely everything else.

I see racism being fed and nourished and coddled by people like an old friend.

I know my life doesn't matter because I'm not black.

I am painfully aware of what color our skin is thanks to you and all your little friends.

I am painfully aware how something someone else did to other people is supposed to have everything to do with me here and today and I should be punished for all that wickedness.  

I am painfully aware how you have attached your identity to it and continue to draw the lines, to choose sides, to use the language and rhetoric that keeps us divided.

I am painfully aware how my human experience couldn't possibly measure up to anyone else's because of some stupid ass invisible privilege they believe there is.

Believing in white privilege is like believing in Jesus, I'm not buying your bullshit on either one.

I was born poor, to an abusive father, in a world that didn't let me choose, a convict's daughter, so fuck you and your white privilege bullshit.

I'm divorcing a black man who has been arrested 32 times, it's not a black white issue, it's shitty people carrying badges.  It's people not using good sense in tense situations.  It's not being compliant with a person that's already on edge.  It's not being completely honest for the sake of your life.

The world is not coming to an end.
Even if it did no god is coming to save you.

I try putting out a good message all the time.  I'm not perfect, I have moments when it all pisses me off and I want to say something about it too.  It's just too much.  

For all the good it could do in the world it does nothing more than feed the negativity.

You'll see blog posts, pictures, things I have for sale, but other than that, I can't and won't participate.

I've been writing and painting and just living my life and every day without it makes my life so much more lovely, because it's negative, it's a slow poison, it's not benefiting my soul one way or the other.  It's a constant back and forth of ideas and beliefs and arguments.

People can say things to you so vile you want to go and shower, but the moment you respond.......

There's no free speech on social media.

Artificial intelligence is running the whole show now and if you're on the list, ,then you're on the list and the list doesn't discriminate.  The program runs the way it's designed to run and they are just racking up points on you for the next time they shut you out and shut you up.

I am returning to life as we once knew it.  I'm working, I'm gardening, I'm house shopping and the whole world really doesn't give a shit, so no one needs to know it.

I've had a dozen people out of nearly five thousand reach out to me in the last ninety days and that tells me everything I already know about social media.

Out of sight out of mind.

I've just finished my second book and am working on a third.  I'm painting more and more every day.  I've still got dreams I know I will see come true and I'm not like everyone else, so why would I want to do it like everyone else? I wouldn't.

Those who really want to see me and be connected with me will find a way.

We are not the same.

I won't take my pages down because I have groups I admin but I won't be there very often.  It doesn't give me pleasure and I've stopped doing things I hate.

I love you all so very much, we just can't be friends this way any longer.

All good things must come to an end and this thing stopped being good a long long time ago.

I will not live my life letting perfect strangers rip out my heart day after day.  No one gets a say in who I am, what I believe or how I feel about life.  It's my life to live, most are only in it through an internet connection.  

They could block me out permanently any day, so good bye it was nice knowing you.

Calm Down, It's Not That Serious: My First Day Out Of Captivity

Calm Down, It's Not That Serious: My First Day Out Of Captivity: I'm completely shut off from social media, just my little games.  Those aren't even important all the time, I just like that ...

My First Day Out Of Captivity

I'm completely shut off from social media, just my little games.  Those aren't even important all the time, I just like that few minutes of the day.

I don't care what everyone is all up in arms about today.

I don't care whose god is winning in the war of the god arguments. 

I don't care what anyone believes about anything.

It's okay.

I'm not being exposed to any of it.

I'm not being allowed to participate in it.

I'm going to go back old school, real connections, a little of this, a little of that.

I like my little world, so I've got no problem with shutting everyone out.

One group is pissed off at your for not being pissed off about something else.  This group over here hates that group over there and there's all sorts of language you can't use in these conversations.

I have learned to stop doing things I hate.  Artificial intelligence is tagging me for certain content and putting me in facebook jail for long periods of time.  What's the point right?  There isn't one.

I blog and will share that, but who cares about all the negativity that's spread repeatedly across one group after another.

Guess what?

I don't care if you don't like it.

You heard me!

This is my life.

I get only this one.

You don't get to shape my views, force me to see things your way, or tell me what I'm supposed to be passionate about.  

Stay in your lane!

I don't care if you don't like it.

Just in case those in the back of the room didn't hear it the first time.

I create my reality and social media sucks the life out of everything good because everybody has a damn opinion, argument or they think they are being clever.

They are doing me a favor!

There are many I love. 

I have friends that totally rock.

I'll never understand friending someone you don't like, just to be a dick to them on their page.  When did that nonsense start?  I block and or unfriend people I don't really like.  There's no point going back and forth with them all the time.

I set my air conditioner up for my art room, I painted a little here, planned a little there, took a nap, haven't had dinner yet, talked to the fish.

Life is beautiful.

No one has pissed me off all day long.

Not one single person has said something stupid or disrespectful to me.

I had a wonderful day, without the world of social media.

It's no fun anymore anyway.

It doesn't make money, so it doesn't make sense.

I can't deal with everyone else's stuff anyway.

I don't want to be involved with the drama, the division, sides to sides to more sides and lines in the sand.

It's not that serious for me.

I love so many people.  It's okay to walk away.

It's okay to be who you are without allowing anyone to have a say about it.

I don't care who your god is or what you believe.

I don't care what your political views are,  your fears, the things that frustrate you with society, I'm over here trying to work on me and I've got plenty of problems without all of that thanks.  I can't fix anyone but myself, I can change the world that's right in front of me and I'm not going to go around bitching about everything like so many do.

Some people have a problem with anyone besides them getting anything and they talk about it to anyone who will listen.

Not me.

Get it!

Get more!

I'm happy for you!

I hope someone comes along and gives you some more!

I know that everyone can win and there's more than enough to go around.

I'm loving the silence, the middle of the night and early morning walks with the dog, I'm loving the solitude and no one around to throw their opinion in.  I'm loving the moment, each and every one of them.  I'm planning, growing, knowing what the future brings will be good.

I can't speak for anyone else but myself.

My first day out of captivity, the slavery to social media, I killed it and it was fun and that's what every day of my life is going to be without it as well.

Social Media Nightmare

I've been struggling with social media for the last two years.  It started with a video title and it's been a back and forth ever since.  I'm currently in facebook jail for 30 days,  having successfully stayed out for a month.  It's so ridiculous.  I am permanently banned from sharing to groups, every time I turn around I'm being put out again.

I can't participate in the yard sale sites to sell anything and can't respond to the people who were interested in what I did have for sale.  I can't comment, message or post, again.

There's no point in any of it, if you can't participate, if you're constantly messed with.  If your account is disable from these things being able to happen.

Like, what the hell do they think when they do that? 

She needs to think about the things she's said.

This will be a lesson to her to be more careful next time.

Whatever.

It's artificial intelligence at this point.  I'm tagged for certain content and they keep marking it every time it comes around, then they drop the hammer on me and I can't do anything with it.

I'm being forced to unplug and disconnect for lack of a connection.

It's not only frustrating, it's bullshit.

In the meantime, you should know I'm writing another book, I'm painting every day, I'm walking the dog every day and life is still going on without it.

My life doesn't end at social media, although some people's might, which is why it's a terrible thing they can control us like this.

I've decided I won't be controlled.  I will live my life the old school way, I will succeed because I'm meant to succeed and the loss of it will be only slight.