They Didn't Even Give Me 24 Hours

Crazy, crazy crazy.
I was out of facebook jail less than 24 hours before they gave me another thirty days.
I knew it.  I've been preparing for it.  Some guy threatened me right, a guy talking about beating up a woman, so my response was "I'm in Montgomery bring it bitch."  30 days!
So, like I said social media is over for me and I'm not even angry about it.  I wasn't given a choice in the matter and I'm a huge voice against racism.  They don't want anyone building unity right now.  They don't want anyone talking good sense about things.  They want everyone arguing and fighting and rioting, so they can sit back and laugh.
I had all sorts of racist nonsense said to me, for no reason whatsoever, just because I was on that thread.  People who don't even know me in the first place talking all sorts of shit. 
It's okay.
I can't use any of it.
I don't want it.
I don't need it.
It is what it is and they have shut my voice down.
No one is really listening to me there anyway.  Friends have faded into ghosts, beliefs have done the same thing and I just want to have fun.  12 people out of 4,686 reached out to me in 60 days.  As far as averages go, those are pretty shitty odds, but I'll take those 12 over those 4,686 times a million.
So, it's over.
Social media has broken up with me.
I don't get to say what I want to say.
I am a violation of community standards.

Good Bye It Was Nice Knowing You

This is not a ploy for attention.  It's not a post where I expect any feed back or anyone to throw in what they think.

I've been struggling with social media for a couple of years now.  

It started with a video that had Jesus in the title and it's only gotten worse.

Now it's 30 days facebook jail every 30 days.

They've crippled my ability to do business through yard sale sites.

I'm sure I've lost a lot of friends over the past couple of years, deconstructing to the point of atheism.

It's okay.  I don't mind.  I didn't ask anyone what they thought or to weigh in in the first place.

I have given it considerable thought over the last three months.

I can't use all the negativity.

I see constant fear, worry, people talking about things they don't know anything about, others chiming in to tell them they are wrong and half the time those people don't know what they are talking about either.  

I see people learn new things and others make fun of them for it.

I see people crying out for help and no one is paying attention to them, because everyone is so wrapped up in their own junk they are oblivious to the existence of anyone else.

Selfies.  What's on your mind?

Current events have folks straight losing their minds and forgetting who they really are.

For every good post there are twenty more that are negative.  For every good post there are a hundred more talking about the same damn thing.

For every person that puts out a positive vibe, there's some shit head lurking in their friends section, just waiting for the opportunity to make his or her smart ass comment, who really don't like you anyway.

I see people talking shit about people they don't even know.  Talking shit about people who haven't done a damn thing to them.

I see the passive aggressive bullshit the real cowards put out.  I see the narcissist who is pouring salt on everybody, trying to one up everybody they know, name drop, be somebody.  No one has told him you can't do those things using everyone else as stairs.

I see politics, us verses them, lines of division, religion, racism, all sorts of things going on in the world.

Not only that, you have to support those people or they start calling you out on social media.  

I see you're not free to do whatever you want, because you are supposed to consider my health and my feelings first.

If you're not this, or you're not that, you ain't shit.  It's like a real time magazine.  Magazines always make you feel like shit about your life and your house and what you look like and the clothes you wear.  They offer all this advice you didn't ask for and you start believing that nonsense.  Sound familiar?

I see people standing around making videos of other people being mistreated and no one saying a word to interfere or make it stop.  I see people standing in front of burning buildings with their phones stuck in their faces.

I see people judging me for what I don't believe, for what I do believe, for not being like them, for not believing in the same things they believe.

I see people judging one another for absolutely everything else.

I see racism being fed and nourished and coddled by people like an old friend.

I know my life doesn't matter because I'm not black.

I am painfully aware of what color our skin is thanks to you and all your little friends.

I am painfully aware how something someone else did to other people is supposed to have everything to do with me here and today and I should be punished for all that wickedness.  

I am painfully aware how you have attached your identity to it and continue to draw the lines, to choose sides, to use the language and rhetoric that keeps us divided.

I am painfully aware how my human experience couldn't possibly measure up to anyone else's because of some stupid ass invisible privilege they believe there is.

Believing in white privilege is like believing in Jesus, I'm not buying your bullshit on either one.

I was born poor, to an abusive father, in a world that didn't let me choose, a convict's daughter, so fuck you and your white privilege bullshit.

I'm divorcing a black man who has been arrested 32 times, it's not a black white issue, it's shitty people carrying badges.  It's people not using good sense in tense situations.  It's not being compliant with a person that's already on edge.  It's not being completely honest for the sake of your life.

The world is not coming to an end.
Even if it did no god is coming to save you.

I try putting out a good message all the time.  I'm not perfect, I have moments when it all pisses me off and I want to say something about it too.  It's just too much.  

For all the good it could do in the world it does nothing more than feed the negativity.

You'll see blog posts, pictures, things I have for sale, but other than that, I can't and won't participate.

I've been writing and painting and just living my life and every day without it makes my life so much more lovely, because it's negative, it's a slow poison, it's not benefiting my soul one way or the other.  It's a constant back and forth of ideas and beliefs and arguments.

People can say things to you so vile you want to go and shower, but the moment you respond.......

There's no free speech on social media.

Artificial intelligence is running the whole show now and if you're on the list, ,then you're on the list and the list doesn't discriminate.  The program runs the way it's designed to run and they are just racking up points on you for the next time they shut you out and shut you up.

I am returning to life as we once knew it.  I'm working, I'm gardening, I'm house shopping and the whole world really doesn't give a shit, so no one needs to know it.

I've had a dozen people out of nearly five thousand reach out to me in the last ninety days and that tells me everything I already know about social media.

Out of sight out of mind.

I've just finished my second book and am working on a third.  I'm painting more and more every day.  I've still got dreams I know I will see come true and I'm not like everyone else, so why would I want to do it like everyone else? I wouldn't.

Those who really want to see me and be connected with me will find a way.

We are not the same.

I won't take my pages down because I have groups I admin but I won't be there very often.  It doesn't give me pleasure and I've stopped doing things I hate.

I love you all so very much, we just can't be friends this way any longer.

All good things must come to an end and this thing stopped being good a long long time ago.

I will not live my life letting perfect strangers rip out my heart day after day.  No one gets a say in who I am, what I believe or how I feel about life.  It's my life to live, most are only in it through an internet connection.  

They could block me out permanently any day, so good bye it was nice knowing you.

Calm Down, It's Not That Serious: My First Day Out Of Captivity

Calm Down, It's Not That Serious: My First Day Out Of Captivity: I'm completely shut off from social media, just my little games.  Those aren't even important all the time, I just like that ...

My First Day Out Of Captivity

I'm completely shut off from social media, just my little games.  Those aren't even important all the time, I just like that few minutes of the day.

I don't care what everyone is all up in arms about today.

I don't care whose god is winning in the war of the god arguments. 

I don't care what anyone believes about anything.

It's okay.

I'm not being exposed to any of it.

I'm not being allowed to participate in it.

I'm going to go back old school, real connections, a little of this, a little of that.

I like my little world, so I've got no problem with shutting everyone out.

One group is pissed off at your for not being pissed off about something else.  This group over here hates that group over there and there's all sorts of language you can't use in these conversations.

I have learned to stop doing things I hate.  Artificial intelligence is tagging me for certain content and putting me in facebook jail for long periods of time.  What's the point right?  There isn't one.

I blog and will share that, but who cares about all the negativity that's spread repeatedly across one group after another.

Guess what?

I don't care if you don't like it.

You heard me!

This is my life.

I get only this one.

You don't get to shape my views, force me to see things your way, or tell me what I'm supposed to be passionate about.  

Stay in your lane!

I don't care if you don't like it.

Just in case those in the back of the room didn't hear it the first time.

I create my reality and social media sucks the life out of everything good because everybody has a damn opinion, argument or they think they are being clever.

They are doing me a favor!

There are many I love. 

I have friends that totally rock.

I'll never understand friending someone you don't like, just to be a dick to them on their page.  When did that nonsense start?  I block and or unfriend people I don't really like.  There's no point going back and forth with them all the time.

I set my air conditioner up for my art room, I painted a little here, planned a little there, took a nap, haven't had dinner yet, talked to the fish.

Life is beautiful.

No one has pissed me off all day long.

Not one single person has said something stupid or disrespectful to me.

I had a wonderful day, without the world of social media.

It's no fun anymore anyway.

It doesn't make money, so it doesn't make sense.

I can't deal with everyone else's stuff anyway.

I don't want to be involved with the drama, the division, sides to sides to more sides and lines in the sand.

It's not that serious for me.

I love so many people.  It's okay to walk away.

It's okay to be who you are without allowing anyone to have a say about it.

I don't care who your god is or what you believe.

I don't care what your political views are,  your fears, the things that frustrate you with society, I'm over here trying to work on me and I've got plenty of problems without all of that thanks.  I can't fix anyone but myself, I can change the world that's right in front of me and I'm not going to go around bitching about everything like so many do.

Some people have a problem with anyone besides them getting anything and they talk about it to anyone who will listen.

Not me.

Get it!

Get more!

I'm happy for you!

I hope someone comes along and gives you some more!

I know that everyone can win and there's more than enough to go around.

I'm loving the silence, the middle of the night and early morning walks with the dog, I'm loving the solitude and no one around to throw their opinion in.  I'm loving the moment, each and every one of them.  I'm planning, growing, knowing what the future brings will be good.

I can't speak for anyone else but myself.

My first day out of captivity, the slavery to social media, I killed it and it was fun and that's what every day of my life is going to be without it as well.

Social Media Nightmare

I've been struggling with social media for the last two years.  It started with a video title and it's been a back and forth ever since.  I'm currently in facebook jail for 30 days,  having successfully stayed out for a month.  It's so ridiculous.  I am permanently banned from sharing to groups, every time I turn around I'm being put out again.

I can't participate in the yard sale sites to sell anything and can't respond to the people who were interested in what I did have for sale.  I can't comment, message or post, again.

There's no point in any of it, if you can't participate, if you're constantly messed with.  If your account is disable from these things being able to happen.

Like, what the hell do they think when they do that? 

She needs to think about the things she's said.

This will be a lesson to her to be more careful next time.

Whatever.

It's artificial intelligence at this point.  I'm tagged for certain content and they keep marking it every time it comes around, then they drop the hammer on me and I can't do anything with it.

I'm being forced to unplug and disconnect for lack of a connection.

It's not only frustrating, it's bullshit.

In the meantime, you should know I'm writing another book, I'm painting every day, I'm walking the dog every day and life is still going on without it.

My life doesn't end at social media, although some people's might, which is why it's a terrible thing they can control us like this.

I've decided I won't be controlled.  I will live my life the old school way, I will succeed because I'm meant to succeed and the loss of it will be only slight.

Why Black LIves Matter Makes Me Uncomfortable

I didn't see either one of our color until You pointed it out
You are the one that drew the line of division
I did nothing to bring us here together, I thought we came together
You are my friend, isn't that what we were doing?  Taking the journey?
My friends come in all colors shapes and sizes
When I talk about you, I talk about You
I never think to mention your ethnicity
I've never in my life said something about you and threw in, "______ ______" you know.
It never even crosses my mind.  Crazy people think like that.
I am not blind to the past.  My heart has always hurt for injustice and anyone oppressed.
I was the girl that went after the bullies so they would leave my friends alone.
I was the girl who said, "You'd best shoot me now bro, you're gonna see me later."
I was the girl who read the beautiful stories of slaves and mistreated people
My niece brought the books home from school when we lived at mama's house
Straight up in the hood, only me there, gun fire all the time, drug dealers driving by
I had nothing to do with it.
You keep bringing it up, like maybe you think I did.
You keep building the wall
You keep pushing me away and holding me at arm's length
You keep emphasizing what color I am in your world
You keep drawing the line in the sand, like you know something I don't
You keep saying things I can't relate to you know because there's no way I can relate
Because I'm white, you know
I couldn't possibly understand the shit you've been through
(Homeless, crackhead, prostitute, criminal)
No, I couldn't possibly have a human experience because I am white
Look what's been done to our people by people who look like you
I keep hearing I love you but................
I keep hearing but you don't know where I've been
I keep hearing your life doesn't matter because well......
Your life matters too but..............
My "but" is it makes me uncomfortable and causes me to shy away
My 'but' is it makes me feel less valuable
My "but" is I don't say shit like that about you, ever
My "but" is, what the fuck?
It makes me feel judged, as your friend, for the proverbial "sins of the father" crap
It makes me feel a certain kind of way about you
It makes me question what we would call a friendship
It pisses me off, let's keep it real!
I am here now, I matter here and now, just like you do
Fuck the color of the occasion, we all matter and I'm not trying to exclude anyone
You've already excluded me, you know, because I'm white.
White lives just don't matter because everyone assumes white lives were the only ones that mattered
Just so you know, it feels like our friendship doesn't matter either
Because how dare you white girl, not give a shit about the color of people's skin!
You know what they did!
Do you know what they said?
But you don't know what they did!
I'm more concerned about what you are doing right here right now
Hurting my heart and being just as cruel as whoever it is you are talking about
You are the one inflicting the pain at this point, you are the one dividing us
This is how I feel about it and damn it, it should be given all matter
So if you're my friend and I do matter, you should know that it all makes me quite uncomfortable
I get a say too damn it because what I think matters
Seems to me everyone is doing a whole hell of a lot of damage to one another with everything that freaking matters
No one chose the color they came in, right and wrong and beauty are in the eye of the beholders
Now that you've made me painfully aware of my whiteness, let me be the first to tell you
In case you didn't know, there's never been a single fucking privilege that came from being me
You're free to believe whatever you like, but you are not free to force that shit on me.



The living cannot go on living well,  dragging dead and rotting corpses around.

Religion

Religion

I came out of religion a little over a year ago.

Some people hurt me.  Some let me see who they really were and how fake that was.  Some people still love me we just are no longer connected.  I have two girlfriends and a neighbor.  Virtual girlfriends in the hundreds, all types, beliefs and walks.

There's an old joke that everyone who is an addicted gets religion in some form when they stop doing drugs.

I met DK Channel and he told me what full preterism was.

He taught me to ask questions.

He calmly and thoroughly took it all apart and put it on display for everyone to see.

He is a force of calm.

He asks questions.

He has no emotional investment in any of it.

I'm emotional.

I hate religion.

I despise the things people say to me when I tell them I'm a myth camp atheist.

I had never looked at it that way.

What did I really believe?

Was there really a god?

Who had I spent the last eighteen years of my life talking to?

What the hell?

Let's just say I studied and copy and pasted my way out of it.

I am learning to ask questions simply for the sole purpose of being an asshole and it being a really dumb question.

Anyone that knows me will tell you, I studied the bible nonstop for well over thirteen years.  Day and night, night and day, even at work.  Don't try to tell me shit about the bible.  I know the bible.

It's all so ridiculous.

People arguing over who has the best imaginary friend.

Adults have gods.

I was super hurt and destroyed and at a huge loss at first.  I cried alot.  I was angry about a whole world of things.  People kept saying the same stupid shit they say every day over and over again, like a broken ass record.

It there was a god, his need for an instructional manual immediately tells me he doesn't have his shit together.

Not only that but an instruction manual that no freaking body understands or can agree upon.

They use forgeries.  LOL.  Yes forgeries.  Imagine that.  Several of the Pauline epistles are proven forgeries.  

What does forgery mean to you?

Means dude didn't write it and there is a deception there and why would you still use something of that nature to represent your religion?

A guy that never mentions your savior?

And your savior.

Let's address that guy.

Jesus.

Not one single writing.

No more than a story about etching in the sand.  

Get the fuck out of here.

Think about it.

The biggest guy in the whole freakin religion, in a time when they are all writing things down, talking about things in scrolls.  Not one?  Seriously?  Not one.  He's the guy, but he didn't write anything?

Aight.

Emperors called themselves and made others treat them as gods.  This guy is a god and was here and didn't write anything.  They were all writing stuff.

Anyway.

I am not religious any more.  I don't want to talk about it.  I don't care about it.  I have a life that is just as good without it as it ever was with it.

The people who hang around with me and participate in my life are the ones who really love me and there's little time outside of them and their value.

You can have your god.

I don't want him.

He's all your's.

Enjoy.

My Book

One of my friends made the suggestion he wanted to read my book.  At the time I wasn't even writing a book, I only blogged.  I've heard several people over the years talk about their book they've been writing, but no one has produced one yet.

I made myself sit down and start writing.  For a while it was painful like forcing myself to paint when the spark isn't there.  I struggled for subject matter, what to say, really wasn't even interested in the project.

Just recently it has blossomed and all the things that happened in the streets are coming back to me and I'm not trying to be delicate in describing what my life was like and all the things that took place to get me to today.

I don't know if I shut the memories out or they were just being stored for a time like this.

My life has just changed permanently for the better and I'm going to tell my story now.

You should be warned it's not for the faint of heart.

It has been a wild ride.